Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Infliction of a Life.

I feel humiliated every day, as I mark my attendance in this God Damn hostel. I feel humiliated when I see the lock being put on the door. I feel humiliated every time a security guard finds it in his right to tell me what and what not to do, where or where not to sit or stand, when or when not to arrive in the campus or hostel. All this for propriety sake and who define the propriety? Those who exploit it. Guards letch, policemen rape and the administration is not untarnished either. What kind of perverse mind makes a group of four guys and girls sitting on the library steps shady, inappropriate or offensive is beyond my understanding.

Reason being? Safety. From Whom? From the very guy(s) sitting with me, whom I have trusted to be decent. But of course, girls do not have the sense for that now, do they? I have to be protected from the people I believe to be safe with. The fact that they seek to prevent something which is by the agreement of both sides and always fail to even appear when it is unwilling makes the situation all the more ridiculous.

Besides, the very hormones they seem to suspect, I wonder what makes them sure of those produced by the ones employed to suspect or their own for that matter. I definitely am not. The guard at the library entrance, given the duty of ‘checking’ out, quite literally from top to bottom makes my skin crawl. Every time I pass through any of the campus' gates, I am painfully aware of security guards’ shamelessly unwavering gaze.

The fact that our administration believes in enforcing of security by caging in the endangered rather than impeding the pursuer has been embedded so firmly in the minds that the guards have assumed all the rights to rectify any girl and in any way. They snigger as I pass, pass lewd comments when going by on a cycle and have the nerve to warn me against reaching my hostel after 10 PM. Needless to say that to prevent anyone else from doing so is something not of their concern but of course they take sufficient care to point out our fault in being present at that place.

Also, what is so grossly wrong in two full grown adults deciding to spend time together, and why are they not given the choice of how they want to spend it so long as it does not defy the acceptable normal forms of social behaviour. They can anyway do whatever they want, I wonder if the administration comprises of too genuinely and abysmally dumb contingent to know this, or that these rules are the product of their frustration on the realization of this fact.

Yes, I am fully aware of my vulnerability but I would like to have the right to take care of it myself and count upon the administration to make it safe for me to do so. I can be trusted not to venture alone on a deserted road, I do not need to be told not to. But even if I do, I would like to believe that I have every right to do so and I have the support of people being paid for it.

If I stay out of hostel after 10, alone or with any guy, that should be my choice. What I choose to do should be my discretion. I defer the rights of defining morality for me to no one. And yet, I have the care takers dictating me on every corner. The sheer insanity, unfairness and illogicality of the situation eats my insides with rage and make me want to rip apart the person before me, piece by piece.

In my opinion, it is more of an exercising control thing than any genuine concern for the person. The wardens and the supervisors employed in a girls’ hostel have come to consider it as their kingdom where they are the queens. It is a sadistic pleasure they derive out of making the girls miserable to spice up their hopelessly mundane lives. Who does not crave authority? Oh what a thrill it gives them to call up our parents to insult them when we are late and demand an apology letter. If a male worker letches on a girl, it is of course the girl’s fault in wearing shorts. If a thief steals, it is the fault of the victim that she left her clothes out to dry. This campus abounds with pathetic rulers, too impotent to do anything that calls for a bit of effort.

All this but, much pain though it causes me, is bliss. I read what goes on in the world beyond. That women’s bodies are a site of punishment to the male members of the family is a thought that makes me want to hunt down every man with this mindset and turn him into an eunuch. It starts at the elementary level, where it is the mothers and the sisters who are targeted whenever an abuse is to be hurtled at some guy. The fact that I serve as a warning to my father on certain occasions makes me want to disappear.

The instances of gang-rapes, performed in the presence of police, ministers and most agonizingly the sons, brothers, husband or father of the woman are too frequent to be considered as a work of few disturbed minds, it is a carefully developed system, nurturing on the way our society is fabricated and functions. I am too paralyzed by the thought to express the anguish it causes or to write any further.

I wonder at the solution of it…and I see none. I am left to live with my helplessness and slowly wither inside.

I cannot be a woman. I do not want to be a man. I'd rather not exist.

18 comments:

Chronoz said...

I see 1984 has finally got to you. Either that or some poor guard is gonna get a hurt.

Swapnil said...

Every other day new rules are imposed, most of them the brainchild of these good-for-nothing guards, trying to make themselves feel a little more important, a bit more content with their lives. The administration ain't better in any way, if not worse.
At these levels, may be we too are responsible to a certain extent. Everybody feels the same way, but seldom anyone tries to voice their opinions, which is why when you retort, you get to hear, "..achchhe achchhe sun lete hain..". They don't know where they belong to in the system, because nobody cares to show them that.
But then, we have our self-proclaimed guardian angel(s), what do you do about them! Hence, the helplessness..

shruti said...

Great One. Best of all you've written yet.I cannot express in words how much I agree with you on this, could relate to each and every sentence!

And the more we go on obliging to whatever they impose they keep reducing the size of our domain.

What a sadistic pleasure they get in telling us not to stand/sit somewhere.

Be it the administration, I would have no issues but who the hell that guard is to ask me where I was after 10 pm!

Ouch! You touched the most sensitive nerve :)

Keep them coming!

ratika said...

d last line was beautiful...u cud get a patent for tht quote if u cud...its damn awesome

Anunaya Jha said...

Wow. That was a whammy. You actually feel outrageously upset, don't you?

But one li'l thing, and I am not trying to flow against the tide here, are all the girls on campus as morally strong and conscientious as you are?

No? Then we need a li'l more pondering.

Gazal Bharadwaj said...

I can feel what you've writen. Just that don't take it as you say you can't be a woman n u do not want 2 be a man.
Be a woman. And Grow.
And learn to fight for yourself.
Liberate your soul...
You'll find injustice everywhere u go... You have to create justice and order...
God bless.

kavita said...

Seriously I am fed up with the way guards behave these days proclaiming themselves to be our well wishers. I cannot tolerate the fact that on numerous occasions I am being asked for an I-card for no reason when big groups of "unmannered" outsiders go unnoticed.These guards better keep their moral policing to themselves or someday something serious is going to happen to them!!

Shalu said...

Well carved!
Gender equity, sensitivity and women 'empowerment' are just words or rather all time important 'issues' for building committees and conducting debates 'everywhere'!
Women speaking for their rights or choosing their lifestyle are marked as being far too liberal or feminists or rather 'anti-guys'. One can only feel disgusted!
@Kavita: I like your Tone! ;)
@Anunaya: What do u mean by 'morally strong and conscientious'?

Shweta Rao said...

First things first, why is the "un" part of "uncensored" gone? Now as regards your post, great to know you so feel about the world around, but this dejection and pessimism does not befit you. Agreed, we live in a world which is far from fair, but try to value the fact that you and me have what our mothers and grandmothers did not have. Things have been changing...gradually, painfully slow, yet changing. Finally, I had problems with you wanting to emasculate a man into a "eunuch". Remember, gender is a social construct, men are also coerced into playing "masculine" role unwittingly.

Prachi said...

@ Shreyas: It is not 1984 Shreyas, it is this place. And no poor guard is gonna get hurt ever, that is my problem.

@Swapnil: The admin is worse and the root...

@Shruti: You can obviously relate...:) And thanks!

@Ratika: Thank you!

@Anunaya: Who defines morals Anunaya? And who decides the repercussions? I might be the most outrageously immoral girl around, I still I have a right to be free. Think about it.

@Gazal: I am afraid I am devoid of this positivity...:)

Prachi said...

@ Kavita: I love your tone! :D

@Shalu: Seconded.

@Shweta Di: First and foremost, thanks for the comment Di! Good to see you here!
'Un' was never there, people read it because they expected it to be there! ;)
I know how I sound, and I do not like what I hear.
Also, what I said was not directed against all men, only at the ones I stated, and I still support it. As for men being forced to be 'masculine'...I totally understand that.

Nik said...

Heavy! But you know, I totally second with whatever you said. Cuz I have seen these things happen daily. However, you went too far a stretch with the emasculation stuff and etc. Because, the peoples look you are comparing, the so called "guards" are not the ones of your social standard. Things, if ever cross limits, are supposed to be thrown up right in the middle of the crowd. And then sorted out, and all this , specially for these kinda situations.



In short, jo sab yahaan likha hai, wahi sab, college k notice board pe laga de. Anonymously. Or go tell the dean. Say ALL THIS to them. Writing here would get you appraisals.
Saying to the ones concerned, would get you the reforms you aim for....!!

Cheers. :)

Mr.Wolf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JEENA said...

Hi!
I had to write this.
It's been almost an year by now since the day i am visiting your blog, and i m so much impressed by the way you write or express the things in your way, that i really don't have words to make it even close to what i think of your writing skills or your understanding of things.
Sorry i can't disclose my id for my own reasons.
But for the very first time, it seemed to me that you have taken it too far to express it all, and it's the first time i am not convinced by what you wrote, though not all but by some part of it. Like the guard thing. They say that thing to every person and not just girls and that is there duty, that is for what they are employed for, to keep you safe just you are looking it the other way round, and if you don't like it then why do you care. You know what is right and wrong right, but then there are limits we must confine ourselves to, and we have to make sure that we do not cross them. And i am not saying this just for you, i am saying it to every person who thinks.
continues....

JEENA said...

As, you said, you have the right to do whatever you want to do with your life and why should there be time limits. But don't you think that is for your own sake.
For instance, have you heard of any guy got raped? I guess not and you will also have to be in with me with this, for the fact that boys are stronger than girls and can take care of them in much better notes. I am not saying that girls can't do that but then they are more vulnerable and in this god damn world you always compare things and when it comes to the things like this you have to be saved. As, for the administration, you can never count on them for no administration is perfect in this world and some freaky minds will always live and as someone said "you can be a bad person, with filthy thoughts that to whenever you want to but to be a good person you must have guts", and people barely have guts mostly boys.
One more thing, what would you say about your parents, would they allow you to be with a guy, as you said, that too at night. Even if they believe you and have faith in you, they might not. Because they cannot believe that person to whom you think you can count on.
So, I think you must rethink it all and take it in a broader sense.
And still if you think i am wrong than, you have do exactly what the last person commented had said.
Because we people just make others know what we want and we do not take any concrete steps to make it right by over-selves, issues like this could never be solved. So, wake up and make world the way you want.

Nik said...

whr r u..

I am life...!! said...

Last line is simply awesome... :)
And for the rest , strongly agree..!

Kamal said...

Even after such a robust and aggressive description of the illness our society is living in, I am amazed to see that very few males have cared to comment.
This is what happens when a flare of conviction in the mind coincides with a literary talent. Its not that I was completely ignorant of the situation but knowing all this from a girl's point of view is unsettling.

I know you were very much driven by anger while writing this and let me say that that I agree with each and every word that you have written here.
I sometimes think what was it in college that stoppped us from raising our voices against such issues.
Most of us don't want to change anything coz you know we are there for just a short time. Why bother to do anything////? Sometimes its just better and safer to vent yourself over blogs...

But whatever it is, we are equally responsible for whatever is happening in the name of safety and if the things are really that bad then you should do something about it....