Saturday, March 20, 2010

And That's The Way It Is.

There are times you wish you knew a person better. Indeed, there are times when you wish you could tear apart the person before you and turn him/her inside out. A glance, an untimely hint of a smile at the corners of the mouth, a smirk or the lift of an eyebrow for the smallest discernible faction of a second drives you into an insurmountable rage which you can but express.
At the other times, the same signs lead to a flash of realization, an awareness of the truth behind the facade worn by the person. The hurt then is so complete that you wish you never knew! There is no way to decide which condition you would prefer to be in.

There are innumerable occasions when you would go to an unthinkable extent in support of your friends while there are a few when you think you are capable to reach the same limit but this time to cause them a terrible insufferable pain. When you yearn for vengeance, a vicious payback for an injustice, a betrayal.

It’s inexpressibly relieving and bliss when your friends understand what you want to convey, disclose, without you having to explain it all, or at all, a task not enjoyable always. You can’t be grateful enough.
But then, when you understand too much, when you can see through, when you know, but can’t let on that you do, it’s suffocating. You can’t be disgusted enough.

There is a part who wants you to talk, perhaps to understand it all better, perhaps to ask for an approval, to gain an affirmation or perhaps to just share. Then there is a part who would rather you close in on yourself, be impersonal, unaffected.
You want to relax, safe in the knowledge that you can be yourself, that you can trust. You want to breathe easy. But you also struggle to free yourself from these bonds which threaten to strangle you, choke your belief and faith to death.

You have no way to decide which way to go.

What you want to be, you can’t be, for the sake of your own sanity. What is required of you is something you have never wanted to be, a person you would hate, detest, a mechanical and manipulative version of yourself.

This is the tension of opposites.

You hate and you care. You detest and yet you appreciate. You strain to hold on and all the while you want to let go. You get tired of people trying to be someone else. You get tired of trying to be someone else for them. You get tired of holding yourself up. You get tired of making efforts....