Right. So, how have you been and how are you? Long time eh? 10 years...you are 32 now! Gosh!
How have you changed? Or have you changed? I am trying to remember exactly when it was that you gained so much importance. When in teens, all that future consisted of were a few exotic and happy images painted in an untroubled mind. I know better now. I guess it was when I started using the phrase going-out-into-the-world that my growing up process was triggered, quite a pain really. But I don’t deem I have yet. I have been going-out-in-the-world at each step ever since I first left home for Kota. It never happens does it? This whole going-out-into the-world thing. The world is just too big. Too cruel. I always create a cocoon around me at each new destination. A miniature version of what I envision as the big bad world. A few friends, many enemies. I revel in it; I agonize and cause agony in it. There is chaos theory naturally, and I know these small spheres must all intersect with each other. I know not how though. But this does not concern me as each time I meticulously build a private orb. And every time I need to break out of it, it calls for courage and causes apprehension as much as it did the first time.
Anyway, you must look pretty different...or do you? Yeah alright, that was a euphemised way to refer to the whole process and I must stop kidding myself. It’s a wee bit early for me to be afraid of the Turning 30, so I will assume that you are handling the associated blues alright, if at all you suffered from any. For now, 25 seems threateningly close. Then I remind myself, it’s the time I took moving from class X to out of school. That’s time enough. Do you still retain the habit of visualizing time thus?
What do you think about me now? I remember how I felt when I joined IIT Roorkee three and a half years back, all ready to grow up. In fact, I believed I was already and thought the school self of me so juvenile.... I just read an article I wrote then about all the transformations college life brings in. Three months here and I was talking about not trusting people, carving an identity, doing something worthwhile in an IIT. I sound pretty dumb really, assuming so much so soon. Nevertheless, it’s easy to perceive the underlying tranquillity. It was a self I longingly look back to just three years later. Is that how I sound to you now?
I realize how naive I was, just like I refer to my school self in the article. I have committed blunders since then, they appear quite funny now in retrospect eh? Some happened in full consciousness and mostly in a way they usually do. They just do. I get so lost in the vision of how I expect something to turn out as, that I ignore the obvious warnings. But then, that is the way it has been with me, don’t you agree? I can never learn by applying logics, inventing situations and analysing my reactions, in my head. Not until something hits smack on the top of it that I learn. Not until it cracks open that I do. I do hope you are quicker now.
Are you smiling reading this...thinking I have it so easy now? Do you want to come back to this? I wonder...when is it that we stop growing up? I hope we do some time, it is bad enough already.
Or is it the contrary? Do you think I have been hopelessly hopeless? That I am far from being wise for my age? Have you learnt to let go then? Have you learnt to be consciously happy?
Heck, so have you realized what this word ‘happy’ means then? I am nowhere close. I definitely can discern when I was or am happier, by a comparison against some spell when I was miserable. In an absolute sense, I just can’t make sense of the word. Everything is Relative. Every Single Goddamn Thing. Remember how I have always wanted to live in the present? Sigh. Of late, it has not been possible without an eye on you, on the future. I am sure quite a lot of things I am worried about currently have been resolved by now only to be replaced by something deadlier or so must appear to you. Seriously, can you believe how much we wanted to grow up back...10 years for me, 20 for you?
How are Mum and Pa? I am assuming they are with you, I dare not think otherwise. Did you manage to express how much they mean to you? I wish I could tell them. It is strange you know, being an extrovert and not able to tell my own parents how much I love them. Well, they definitely must not think of you as a kid anymore. Is that a relief?
You know me well, so I am leaving a few questions unasked. Surely you must know to what all I am referring to or have you forgotten me already?
This will do for now. Don’t worry too much about when you are 42. Take care of yourself and Mum and Pa.
By the way, I hope you are alive.