Saturday, March 20, 2010

And That's The Way It Is.

There are times you wish you knew a person better. Indeed, there are times when you wish you could tear apart the person before you and turn him/her inside out. A glance, an untimely hint of a smile at the corners of the mouth, a smirk or the lift of an eyebrow for the smallest discernible faction of a second drives you into an insurmountable rage which you can but express.
At the other times, the same signs lead to a flash of realization, an awareness of the truth behind the facade worn by the person. The hurt then is so complete that you wish you never knew! There is no way to decide which condition you would prefer to be in.

There are innumerable occasions when you would go to an unthinkable extent in support of your friends while there are a few when you think you are capable to reach the same limit but this time to cause them a terrible insufferable pain. When you yearn for vengeance, a vicious payback for an injustice, a betrayal.

It’s inexpressibly relieving and bliss when your friends understand what you want to convey, disclose, without you having to explain it all, or at all, a task not enjoyable always. You can’t be grateful enough.
But then, when you understand too much, when you can see through, when you know, but can’t let on that you do, it’s suffocating. You can’t be disgusted enough.

There is a part who wants you to talk, perhaps to understand it all better, perhaps to ask for an approval, to gain an affirmation or perhaps to just share. Then there is a part who would rather you close in on yourself, be impersonal, unaffected.
You want to relax, safe in the knowledge that you can be yourself, that you can trust. You want to breathe easy. But you also struggle to free yourself from these bonds which threaten to strangle you, choke your belief and faith to death.

You have no way to decide which way to go.

What you want to be, you can’t be, for the sake of your own sanity. What is required of you is something you have never wanted to be, a person you would hate, detest, a mechanical and manipulative version of yourself.

This is the tension of opposites.

You hate and you care. You detest and yet you appreciate. You strain to hold on and all the while you want to let go. You get tired of people trying to be someone else. You get tired of trying to be someone else for them. You get tired of holding yourself up. You get tired of making efforts....

12 comments:

kalpna said...

seriously...you said it all, seems like friends are somewhere at( or 'around'?) the top of ur priority list...

swapnil said...

Larger Font, Shorter Post, Bliss! :P

Anunaya Jha said...

Abso-friggin-lutely true!
Every word is amazingly honest and direct.
Truly appreciate it!

kavita said...

so this is wat u were doing in da break. Read dis one in 1 go. nice work.

Sandeep Mishra said...

Yeah, very short n apt indeed! n believe me gal, I know what u r talking about and who u r referring to here :)

and kabhi to ek simple sentence likh liya kar.. jismein koi insaan ek subject, ek verb aur ek object identify kar paaye! :P

Arun said...

Some very profound thoughts were discussed there, I presume. Most of it went above my head, forgive me, but I did understand some of the sharing with friends and sentiyaap part.
Hope you find the answer to your problems soon, and return to writing more cheerful posts like the 'Unblock' one.

Gazal Bharadwaj said...

so true.. just faced this few days back... sumwhere all o us think d same, yet different...
nice lines-

'You hate and you care. You detest and yet you appreciate. You strain to hold on and all the while you want to let go.'

esha said...

Oh my God! A good writers personal blog diary!....:(

Nik said...

What a mirror I must say. I could see myself.

This medium of "writing" comments on your thoughts that you have "written" now seems to be insufficient to express what I really want to "say"!!!

I must say, that you have said a lot that I am trying to solve inside me. I am a guy living in a hostel, so when you said,

"What you want to be, you can’t be, for the sake of your own sanity. What is required of you is something you have never wanted to be, a person you would hate, detest, a mechanical and manipulative version of yourself.
This is the tension of opposites."


...I could identify with it ABSOLUTELY!


Why cant we leave "audio" comments, so that I could speak out everything i felt! I dont want to write anymore, i feel lazy. :P But there is so much more i wanna say!!!!



A very good writeup. Expressive and poignant at some places, and btw, where do you study in roorkee, if i may ask so?

Naga M Reddy said...

In 1st reading everything went above my head. When I read 2nd time I understood that these are the feelings everyone feel at one or the other moment in life. And to be frank,

The 2nd para (There are innumerable...) happened with me, I am not sure but may be becoz of ego that raised in me.

Now just passing through a phase where I want my frnd to understand what I want to convey(of course) before I spell something, which will cause disaster.

Prachi u r very much true that UNDERSTANDING too much worsens our life.

very wise and excellent writeup...

Prachi said...

@Kalpana: 'Around' it was.
@Sadhu: Oh well...
@Anunaya: :)
@Kavita: You know me.
@Mishra Sir: I am not so sure of that, and about constructing sentences, grammar was never my forte! :P
@Arun: Good it did.
@Gazal: Thanks.:)
@Esha Di: I know...:(
@Nik: Thanks and it's IIT Roorkee. :)
@Naga Sir: Thanks.:) How are you?

ratika said...

read this at a time, when I was feeling so much the same....but u gave away too much in this one...