I suddenly have this urge to write…but I am clueless about the content I want to put in here. I met my childhood friend just a couple of hours ago…she is here for Sangram. This was like one of those…divine intervention things! Anyway, a later post will elaborate on this.
Since evening, when I was first informed of her impending arrival, my mood was at its positive best! With all the vivacity I have in me, I was going around declaring my 'affection for life' to anyone who would care lo listen! Smiling from ear to ear, the world around was pleasantly complaisant!
The ephemeral reunion was one of the best things to happen to me in the last few days! There will be more of it though, if she manages to get away from the slave drivers she has for her team captains!
The thought itself is comforting, something to look forward to. Still, something is not good.
I am in this weird mood!
I am not low…still I am not exactly in high spirits. I am sleepy but I don't want to sleep. I would like to read 'Lord Of The Rings'(This book grows on you slowly, until you are badly smitten by it!) but I am not feeling like doing it. I pick it up and impatiently put it away. I can't laugh at the jokes DD is cracking, even though I want to. There is a write-up I want to complete but I am unable to think anything on those lines! I want to talk to my friends but still I don't feel up to it! Replying takes too much strength…I am feeling incapacitated. I am supposed to study but I can't get down to it, I am agitated and give it up as well. Still, I don't want to doze off.
At the back of my mind there is a nagging thought, continuously reminding me of my dismal performance in academics. I should work harder on this front I know, but I don't want to. I don't like to! Have I also fallen a victim to the 'too cool to study' attitude? I hope not!
I guess I am just plain lethargic yet I feel bothered by my joblessness. I am in elated moods when I am killing myself with 'work' as I like to call it, however useless it may be if it is something I enjoy. It is not supposed to be this way. I am supposed to study. I see people applying for interns, doing projects; I feel troubled. I have nothing to justify my presence in a IIT! Absolutely nothing. Am I doing the needful?
I want to do what I want to…but is this what I want or is this something I should want?
Should I do things because I should?
The sentence itself started from 'should'.
I have no idea.
I find talking to a complete stranger easy right now. Still, I am not in a bad mood.
Each one of us has a vision of a perfect life. Or I think it is so. But I don't have mine. There are a lot of things we would like to do, to get nearer to that vision still we don't bring them about.
There is a perennial conflict between what you think your life 'should' be and what you 'want' it to be.
You are constantly attracted and repelled by what you admire. Maybe self-doubt is the reason…
Or maybe I am just another victim to Procrastination...