Friday, March 27, 2009

Inertia...

I suddenly have this urge to write…but I am clueless about the content I want to put in here. I met my childhood friend just a couple of hours ago…she is here for Sangram. This was like one of those…divine intervention things! Anyway, a later post will elaborate on this. 

Since evening, when I was first informed of her impending arrival, my mood was at its positive best! With all the vivacity I have in me, I was going around declaring my 'affection for life' to anyone who would care lo listen! Smiling from ear to ear, the world around was pleasantly complaisant!

The ephemeral reunion was one of the best things to happen to me in the last few days! There will be more of it though, if she manages to get away from the slave drivers she has for her team captains!

The thought itself is comforting, something to look forward to. Still, something is not good.

I am in this weird mood!

I am not low…still I am not exactly in high spirits. I am sleepy but I don't want to sleep. I would like to read 'Lord Of The Rings'(This book grows on you slowly, until you are badly smitten by it!) but I am not feeling like doing it. I pick it up and impatiently put it away. I can't laugh at the jokes DD is cracking, even though I want to. There is a write-up I want to complete but I am unable to think anything on those lines! I want to talk to my friends but still I don't feel up to it! Replying takes too much strength…I am feeling incapacitated. I am supposed to study but I can't get down to it, I am agitated and give it up as well. Still, I don't want to doze off.

At the back of my mind there is a nagging thought, continuously reminding me of my dismal performance in academics. I should work harder on this front I know, but I don't want to. I don't like to! Have I also fallen a victim to the 'too cool to study' attitude? I hope not!

I guess I am just plain lethargic yet I feel bothered by my joblessness. I am in elated moods when I am killing myself with 'work' as I like to call it, however useless it may be if it is something I enjoy. It is not supposed to be this way. I am supposed to study. I see people applying for interns, doing projects; I feel troubled. I have nothing to justify my presence in a IIT! Absolutely nothing. Am I doing the needful?

I want to do what I want to…but is this what I want or is this something I should want?

Should I do things because I should?

The sentence itself started from 'should'.

I have no idea.

I find talking to a complete stranger easy right now. Still, I am not in a bad mood.

Each one of us has a vision of a perfect life. Or I think it is so. But I don't have mine. There are a lot of things we would like to do, to get nearer to that vision still we don't bring them about.

There is a perennial conflict between what you think your life 'should' be and what you 'want' it to be.

You are constantly attracted and repelled by what you admire. Maybe self-doubt is the reason…

Or maybe I am just another victim to Procrastination...

 

 

 

 

11 comments:

Pranav said...

I shall not comment
!

Shalu said...

Well...honestly speaking it was just like one of our general 'bakar's, just that u are the only speaker this time.
Nice read...
Actually the conflict is in the path we want to tread to get near to our vision!
And ya...3rd last line! It did ring a bell!
Keep on posting! Cheers!

Shreyas said...

Was the gradual decline of mood (in the post) a deliberate attempt on your part, or just incidental?

I didn't get much of what you said, guess I wasn't supposed to anyways.

@Pranav: That was a comment btw.

Anirudh Arun said...

In such cases, I go to sleep. Come morning, and no worries...

As for the decline of mood (as detected by Shreyas) I'm glad you ended your post there, or I'd have been worried about the condition of your lappy! (or should I still?)

Abhinav Tallapally said...

This read actually takes me back to such a state of mind i had..
This is like ur reading my mind in that phase..!
but for me... i realized im ONE BIG a victim of "procrastination" :P
In all - Nice Post :)

Raka said...

With the gradual decline in mood... i wud b more worried abt ppl arnd u!!! nyways, nice post (i luv such posts coz i m nvr able to write such arbit posts!)

Prachi said...

@Mr. Legs...
U did...N it's alrite...we will cross 8 some day!

@DD...
I know that yours was ha first reason...bakar constitutes only the last few lines thankfully...
Also, Wrong number!

@Shreyas...
Not a deliberate attempt definitely...it generally happens that way...gradually...
you did not understand it though I won't say that you weren't supposed to...

@Anirudh...
That's the hardest part...sleeping...
N nothing...not even my worst mooda can make me forget the worth of some 50 thousand odd bucks!


@Abhinav...
Thanx...
I always knew I wasn't the only weirdo around!


@Raka...
Your name reminds me of Amrish Puri for some reason...
Anyway...thanx...
And...well...I am really thankful to those people around me for being there!

Pallavi ahuja said...

well...procrastination is something i fall prey to many a times. Its nothing new wid u.
In such cases of mood swings try to listen to ur heart rather than to ur mind den u will get to know what actually u want.

love to read such arbit thoughts as these reflect ma own situation which i get into many a times.
keep posting!!
CHEERS!!!

swapnil said...

Ulti and Arbit..Ulti-Arbit :D..nice post..

Glad that you werent feeling like reading the book..or else the "search" for Tarachand bhaiya would have begun then only..

And "Lords of the Rings"..it grows..it smites..and gets you chocolates as well.. :)

keep posting..

I dont hate people who blog too often.. ;){and you say you are jobless!!!}

Shweta Rao said...

i read your post - my comment testifies that, however i would like to comment on this post per se, when we meet. hope its alright?

Prachi said...

@Pallavi...
If only I could distinguish between Mind And Heart!
Have heard this in a lot of moview as well...
And the whole conflict is 'should' I want what I 'want'..


@Swapnil...
I like The Sage more...bring him back...N Thanx..
Tarachand Bhaiya is going to live long in my memory!

@Shweta Di...
I do not like the sound of this!
But of course...it's alright...